the perfect ache

Photo by SJ Toma.

i'm writing to be real, yep? so even this, i must write in honesty, truth and the realness my blog's title speaks of. 


yesterday, i had the sweet opportunity to celebrate the 25th birthday of one of my little spiritual sisters. it was a grand time, great BBQ, engaging conversation, encouraging fellowship with some funny men and women, a perfect way to spend a beautiful orlando sunday afternoon. or so i thought. why then did i walk away later that night with the perfect ache?


let me explain. amongst those at the event, there were two sets of individuals; one set - a guy friend of mine with who i would describe a sweet and dear female friend of his, and they appeared to be in the developing stages of a dating relationship. the second set - one of my sweet sisters with a guy friend of hers. he'd come into town that weekend to spend some time getting to know her better and seeing how a new friendship between them both could develop as God leads.


during that time of dinner, dessert, constant laughs and great table topics on race, relationships, religion, politics, and the hilarious videos we've seen on YouTube, in all of that, i found myself observing and seeing and wondering and listening and thinking in several ways. observing how my guy friend's female friend was quite attentive to his needs, even asking after she'd fixed her own plate of food if he'd like her to fix his plate too. (in my mind i was like, "hold up-wait a minute-let me put some boom in THIS...what you mean fix his plate? he got two hands.") the woman who feels she must demand her rights and equal respect was riling up in that moment right then in my heart.


i then thought to myself, "mel, why does it matter so much that she offered to fix his food? wouldn't you if you had someone you could do that for?" 


me (replying back in thought): "um...i don't know about that..."


more thought to myself: wouldn't you desire to give him respect in that way and honor and show him love in that way?"


my flesh: "um, he GOT two hands!" 


my spirit: "ah, most definitely, if that's my boo and he's my man, most definitely. i wouldn't even think about it and i'd be blessed that others could see my heart for him and desire to serve him."


observation: i have much growing to do in the the area of serving others, whether it's my man or other people God's placed in my life. God knows i desperately need to grow. i'm thankful for that glimpse into these two people's lives and how they are doing life together. the young woman had no idea she was actually teaching me something through her simply being who she was in that moment. and i, as a growing Christian woman who desires one day to marry the godly man of my dreams, needed to see that, needed to be challenged by that, needed to wrestle with some deep stuff in my heart rooted in selfishness and the "right to be equal with man" and come out of that tussle, not with a world view of what i deserved and had a right to, but God's view of how He desires i relate to and serve in future moments like these that i pray will come my way.


i found myself seeing how this same pair related to each other just by body language, how they sat next to each other, without even touching one another and you could look at them and tell that something sweet, something new, something exciting, substantial and beautiful was developing between them. there was a "knowing" about each other that one could see in just watching them. an ease, a comfort, a familiarity, a rested-ness present.  


seeing: i saw that and i took it all in. i want that in my life one day, the right day, the perfect time. i want that knowing, that stated familiarity without any words even being exchanged, i want that ease of someone knowing me almost better than i know myself and caring for me with my best interest in their heart. and that's a knowing that you can't duplicate, invent, conspire to inject into something that doesn't authentically hold it, keep it. it's a knowing that i completely desire God to shape for me, develop and produce in me toward the man that i'm trusting Him for, even now.


i found myself wondering about my life and where things were with dating and being pursued by a godly man and being desired and being known and was i ready for such an adventure, was i ready for such sacrifice, for such humility? at the core of every woman, we want to be desired. we want to be pursued. we want to be loved. we want to be cherished. we want to be seen as unique, different, special, amazing, beautiful, captivating, the one.


wondering: when will he come? and maybe the man i'm trusting the Lord for hasn't come because, quite possibly, perhaps...i'm not ready yet? whew. that's scary, troubling and yet a relief all at the same time! scary because, man, am i scaring him away because i'm not where i'm supposed to be yet!?!? troubling, because what are the missing puzzle pieces that God is weaving into my soul, my heart, my mind, my spirit to help me become the ezer, the helpmate, the warrior, the companion to this man i've not yet met that i need to be? how will this person help shape those missing pieces to complement me, intersect with me, fit me to help me grow and deepen into the completion of a finished work God is pruning and doing in me? relieved, because, whew, maaaaaaan, the weight of all of this is not on me. it's on the Lord! i ain't the potter, i'm just the clay. i'm the just the clay. that's the truth and i'm sticking to it. i just need to keep showing up and the potter will do what He needs to do on me and through me. 


i found myself listening to the conversations at hand at the dinner table, great ear grabbers, one such started by my brother tim, sharing his desire to see black women at least consider, be open to relationships with men outside of the black race, in light of the fact that there's a shortage of available black men in our race to choose from. and i'd add, a shortage of black, godly men seeking the Father's heart and following Him wholeheartedly to choose from. this conversation 'bout blew the table up, but it was great to hear and dialogue about. 


listening: i listened and i pondered and also shared the reality that though we black women can be open to relationships with men who are not black, the deep desire, i'll say of my own heart, is to be married to a black man. i am a black woman. i want to marry a black man. whenever i think of my future and marriage and motherhood, it is through the lens of marrying a black man. i know black men. i get black men. i grew up with black men. they speak my experience, i speak theirs and we know each other. there's also this very deep desire in my soul to see a new generation of black men raised up who love God and will live for Him and set this world on fire with His love and truth. i want black sons. i want the  honor of raising up several, eh, should i say 5-6 (whew, i know) black little men who'll one day become strong black men, little people that come from me, that i can shape and influence from infancy to adulthood for God and His gospel. i desire and pray for this privilege. 


i want to see my community of black people and people of african descent renewed and rebuilt. one key way i believe i'd like to trust the Lord to this is through a strong, God-led marriage with Godly black man, and a growing Godly family that influences and changes this community and ultimately, the world. so, being open to something new, something different in a relationship is a good thing; but if what i truly desire is one thing, God Himself will have to change my heart and my desire to move me into a direction that i don't right now foresee myself going into, by way of an interracial marriage. i would be open to an interracial relationship, but would i be down for an interracial marriage? i don't know. 


this is not because i couldn't love a man who wasn't of my race. what would be the bigger piece is that my desire is not for something interracial. i desire him, and in my now and my dreams to come, "him" has always been a man of color, a man of my racial and cultural experience. a man who is black. reminds me of the crazy line from the character bernice from the late 80s and early 90s show, "designing women," a line she'd sing often when she'd see anthony, the black male character on the show (in a bravado voice): "BLACK MAN, BLACK MAN! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM BLACK MAAN!!!") sometimes i find myself wondering, "black man, black man, when will you come, black maaaaan!!!" ah. oh, the wait. 


well, as the time of sweet collaborations in conversations at my friend's birthday dinner came to a close, i found myself thinking.  thinking about where my life was, thinking about this perfect ache that had begun to form in my heart through the course of this dinner, through the musings and viewing of these two sets of people at unique and sweet spots in life, one - growing and knowing, the other -seeing and learning. 


it was a perfect ache because it was from God. i ache to be known. i ache to be seen. i ache to be pursued. i ache to be desired. i ache to be loved for completely, absolutely, uniquely all of who i am. i ache be sought after. i ache to be special. i ache to be different. i ache to no longer feel alone when couples are present and i become aware of my un-coupled reality. i ache to be free of the molasses-slowly moving creeping, lurching wrapping shroud threat of loneliness that makes itself present and real and in my face, teasing and taunting me with what it says i don't have, urging me toward self-pity, confusion, shattered confidence, and feeling uncompleted because i don't have him in my life.


and so, i ached. i ached as i departed about 10 minutes to 11pm after the party ended. i ached talking to my brother tim as i drove him home and we discussed some more of his thoughts on black women being open to relationships outside of our race, and his heart behind what he shared. i ached as i played donnie hathaway in my car, as songs of his fit where my heart was in that moment. i just wanted to play, not just another sad love song, but a really good life song, a song that expressed where my heart was, where my longings are and it could be okay for me to feel that way, to not try to chalk it all up, put a spiritual band-aid on it, thank the Lord for the ache, be a good Christian, suck it up, try to ignore the pain, but no, instead to feel the ache, touch the ache, acknowledge its presence and see where the ache would take me. to see what the ache would teach me. to see what the ache had to tell me.


i played someday we'll all be free. a perfect melody. donnie's perfect voice singing his perfect lyrics. perfect feeling for my feelings:


hang on to the world as it spins, around...just don't let the spin get you down. 
things are moving fast, hold on tight and you'll will last. 
keep your self-respect you're very bright, 
get yourself in gear, keep your stride. 
never mind your fears, brighter days will soon be here. 
take it from me, someday we'll all be free, yeaaah.


keep on walking tall, hold your head up high.
lay your dreams right up to the sky,
sing your greatest song.
and you'll keep, going, going on, 
take it from me, someday we'll all be free.


(hey) just wait and see someday we'll all be free. (yeah)
take it from me, someday we'll all be free.
(it won't be long) take it from me someday we'll all be free.
take it from me, take it from me, take it from me.


i played the song more than once and though the ache didn't disappear in those moments, the ache told me some things. the ache told me i was alive. the ache told me i was made to love. to ache told me i was made to be loved. the ache told me to embrace its ache, its pain, to know it, to feel it, to grab it and hold it, hug it, draw it near because the ache was there for a special reason and i needed the ache. 


the ache reminded me of sisters that had entered dating relationships, then engagements that led to marriage; some i rejoiced for, some i envied, some i mourned because i knew i was losing something and they were gaining something. i was losing the friend i'd known to a new relationship God had ordained for them. i was gaining something new in that and the new woman they would become and how that would bless my life, but still i was losing. i was losing the familiarity with them, the knowing of being unmarried women doing life together in that season of friendship that we'd had. i was losing a woman that also felt the ache i was feeling. 


the ache wouldn't bother her anymore, at least not in the way it was bothering me because i was still unhitched, unmarried, uncoupled. and i hated that. i mourned that. i was jealous of that. jealous even of the sisters that were entering the budding prospect of friendships with Godly men that indeed could become something more. i was jealous that it wasn't me. in all honesty, i was jealous that it wasn't me. in those moments of dying to my flesh to strain for, see God's bigger plan, the cry of my heart always is, "what about me! what about me? when will it be my turn? when will it be me? what about me Lord?" i become the whiny, inconsolable, crying, emotionally-tantrum-throwing child, yelling, pleading, screaming...and it comes back to one thing: ME. what about me? i see me and nothing else. this is not the way God wants me to think and be. it's not about me. it's not.


this is why i believe the ache is there. the ache remains. i need to grow. i need to be challenged. i need to see there's so much more in me i need than what i already have. i'm not at all aware of God's timing for me in this area of my life, but i know that His timing is perfect and i know the ache is there because He wants it there. i know that i'm not being pursued in a godly relationship right now because God deems the timing not perfect, for me or for the one i wait for. i know that in His sovereignty, God allows this ache. the ache remains. 


on this night, there is one most beautiful thing about the ache i love: l when i arrived home, still fully aware of its presence my biggest desire was not to drown out the ache by distractions, t.v, music., nor was it to stuff the ache with food, or ignore the ache by talking to people. i would have done this months, yet, even years ago. but now, in this moment, my biggest desire was to go to my room, close the door, turn on a low light and talk to God. in that moment, all i wanted was Him. the ache drove me to God. this is why i love the ache. and so, i talked to Him, we talked to each other, i prayed for that night and all that i learned, i prayed for the ache and what it was doing to me, i prayed and reminded myself in affirmation of something God had told me the day before in a quiet, but strong whisper: "what I have for you is for you Melody." this was in relation to God's timing, purpose and plan for when i would engage in a significant dating relationship that led to a significant decision toward marriage. when God deemed it time and who He deemed it take place with. 


i prayed and we talked. i prayed and i listened. i prayed and then i sang. didn't plan to but in that moment it was the realest, purest expression of my heart to God in response to the ache. i sang. i used the voice He'd given me to speak back in song and melody to Him, to say everything i felt about Him. i sang a medley of songs..."our God (is greater)"..."He wants it all"..."the desert song"..."stories." i sang them my way, pulling pieces and melodic lines together. pausing. singing. pausing. reflecting. pausing. moving...forward. 


our God is greater, our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other,
our God is healer, awesome in power
our God, our God...
and if our God is for us, 
than who could ever stop us,
and if our God with us, than who could stand against?


...there's a God that walks over the earth, 
searching for a heart that is desperate, 
longing for a child that will give Him their all
give it all, He wants it all,
and He says, love me, love me with your whole heart,
He wants it all today, serve me, serve me with your life now,
He wants it all today, bow down, let go of your idols
He wants it all today, He wants it all today, He wants it all today, He wants it alllllllll,
more of you, all of you, He wants it all today, hey, eh, hey, more of you, all of you, wants it all today, hey, eh, more of you, all of you, He wants it all, today, today, today,
He wants it all today, He wants it all today, He wants allllllll


...all of my life, in every season, you are still God, i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to worship.
i will bring praise, i will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain,
i will rejoice and i will declare, God is my victory and He is here.


...and Jesus stole this heart of mine, now i'm alive.
and Jesus taught this heart to fly, now i'm alive.
and Jesus stole this heart of mine, now i'm alive.
and Jesus taught this heart to fly, now i'm alive.
and we're singing, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, oh, for heaven came down,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, oh, for heaven came down...


and, in perfect "melody" fashion, i finished, continued to let the ache have it's perfect work in me, climbed onto my bed, rested my head upon some soft pillows (the plan was just for 5 minutes), closed my eyes, just to rest for a while, still in the clothes i'd worn all day, but instead of rest, He made me sleep. and i slept, and i rested. i rested in Him, and the ache subsided. 


~ m